”“Then why did it feel so right, Ryan?” I asked. My eyes piercing into his. He said nothing as our eyes stayed locked. “Ryan…”“What?”“I love you.” “I know. I love you too Becks,” he said, our eyes still locked. “No. I mean I’m in love with you, Ryan,” I said keeping my eyes on his.“What?” he said startled. “You love, love me? Like that kind of love?”“Yes.”“Why? Dude, that’s just weird,” he said looking away.Those words cut deep into my heart. Here I was telling my brother I had the deepest feelings for him possible and he responded with “Dude that’s just weird.” Needless to say, I was hurt. I quickly got up and began to run to my room. “Becks! Becks, I didn’t mean it like that!” I could hear him call out as I ran off. My face was hot and tears began to roll down my red cheeks. I shut the door and locked it. I went straight to bed and laid face down and began to bawl my eyes out. The happiest moment in my life had turned into the worst. I remember a few minutes later I heard knocking. This led me to having a scary moment where I had a bottle of pills onbed, and I was trying to figure out how many would kill me, since takingtoo many would just make me sick. After more than an hour of looking atthe pills and fighting my natural instinct to stay alive, I gave up, andput the pills back in their bottle, and shook with agony and grief untilI fell asleep.The next day, I went out to a quiet field behind my house, sat down, andlooked up in the sky.Then I started screaming.I shouted as loudly as I could, calling God every name I could think of,using more swear words in this speech than I had used in the sixteenyears previous. I think my idea was to get God so mad at me he'd do whatI couldnt do the night before and end my life.By the time I was finished speaking, I was hoarse and my face was wetfrom tears.Then something amazing happened.It's hard to describe, but it was like I was no longer looking at acloudy sky, I was looking right at the throne of God.And He was looking.
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